I am scared. So effing scared. For reasons I wish not to share with anybody. Because I’m pretty sure other people with find the reasons ridiculous, blown-out-of-proportion, irrational, dan yang sewaktu dengannya.

Been stuck with this crappy feeling for a week now. Been feeling sickeningly worried and scared.

What is this shell of hell that I’m in??

How do I get out?

Is there even a way out?

How much more of this can I take?

*LOUD sigh*

….rasa nak makan satay….

This is for all you girls about 13
High school can be so rough can be so mean
Hold on to, onto your innocence
Stand your ground when everybody’s giving in

This one’s for the girls

This is for all you girls about 25
In a little apartment just trying to get by
Living on, on dreams and spaghetti-o’s
Wondering where your life is gonna go

This one’s for the girls
Who’ve ever had a broken heart
Who’ve wished upon a shooting star
You’re beautiful the way you are
This one’s for the girls
Who loved without holding back
Who dreamed with everything they had
All around the world
This one’s for the girls

This is for all you girls about 42
Tossing pennies into the fountain of youth
Every laugh, laugh line on your face
Made you who you are today

Yeah we’re all the same inside
From 1 to 99

I think, somewhere in my being, in a little crooked nook hidden in a crooked corner, there’s a crooked part of me that refuses to let me feel good about myself without guilt being in the equation as well.

I had a great time on Saturday spending time with my girlfriends watching a movie and bowling afterwards. Lots of jokes and laughter, lots of poking fun at each other and basically feeling almost stress-free (sekali sekala keluar without having to keep an eye on my charges like a hawk is so liberating!). Anxiety and fear came and went intermittently though. It was like I knew that they were there but I ignored them as much as I could because I was busy having fun. Sikit2 macam the schizophrenic professor (played by Russel Crowe) in A Beautiful Mind who knew the trick his mind was playing on him and so ignored the imaginary characters who kept following him around.

I went home that night feeling satisfied with myself and almost felt like I was on cloud nine. That was how good I felt. But the next day, wham! I sank into darkness and self-loathing. I just couldn’t lift my spirit back up. This is very hard to describe really because for someone looking in, everything seems to be in order. But from the inside, I felt like I was cloaked in a thick fog. It was like I had used up all my feel-good feelings and finally reached the edge of the cliff, slipped and plunged down at break-neck speed. Into total despair.

So the woman who went to bed smiling on Saturday night, woke up a monster on Sunday morning. I was edgy. Almost everything sparked an angry word or action out of me. I just couldn’t stop myself. At one point, I even threatened to pour hot coffee on The Vampire if he didn’t shut up (kat kopitiam ni!). My brain was buzzing like it was going crazy and dia plak tak henti2 membebel, aargh! Fortunately, I didn’t proceed with my stupidity even though he didn’t shut up heheh! At last, out of desperation to “win”, I called him “gendut”. Ya… korang nak gelak, gelak lah! It was one of my many moments of weakness and sheer selfishness.

Anywho,  my vampire kept his cool. In fact, my calling him gendut made him laugh. Probably at my immaturity. You know how laughter can be contagious kan? So in the end we ended up laughing. It didn’t help improve my spirit but it did ease the tension a little bit to make the rest of the day at the mall bearable. Man…what an emotionally exhausting day. From my point of view, there were negative vibes everywhere and on everything.

Finally, at the end of the day, when the kids were safely in bed, I let the dam flowed. Nangis lagi! I was disgusted with myself. Over every damn thing! No matter what The Vampire said, I had a negative comeback. For example…”you have 2 beautiful kids”, he said. And I said, “I have 2 beautiful kids who don’t deserve me“. Abis tu camno? Macam2 lah kata2 semangat he threw at me but I just couldn’t let myself take the credit because I genuinely didn’t feel like I deserve them. I still don’t.

Today, there are still some leftovers from yesterday’s pangs of anger and disgust. Nothing to do but wait them out, I guess.

Okay… now I have about a tonne of things to update and write about but I don’t know exactly where to start, which to write about first, or if even anything in the past month is even worth mentioning to total strangers like y’all… so if you get lost somewhere in this posting not knowing mana hujung, mana pangkal, pandai2 lah claw your way out and try to make sense of it all. I’m not going to be bothered into writing according to sequence of happenings cause it doesn’t matter and who gives a hoot anyway? Certainly not me.

First up, remember that family day karaoke session I mentioned in my last post? People, I did it. I sang in front of the whole group! I had to do it really… cause The Vampire was counting on me to be sporting enough to let my guards down in front of his staff. He helped me out though (knowing very well bini dia yang gelabah ni), we sang a duet. My singing was on the floor! Sumbang gile but The Vampire wasn’t doing any better either so kira ok la tu… sama2 malu hahaha! But I’m glad I did it. At least, I don’t regret not doing it and then wonder what it would’ve been like had I done it.

A friend died of leukaemia recently. I had lost contact with her since we both left uni and had been wondering about her all along until the day I received an sms from another friend of her being ill. I immediately made plans to visit only to receive the news of her passing later in the evening. I didn’t even know she was dying. I thought she was just ill. This episode hit me harder than the last time a friend had died. This was a person I knew pretty well. She was 3 years younger than me and now she’s gone, leaving behind 3 children all below 12 years old. Truth be told, it scared the life out of me… I remained distraught for a few days not from mourning, but from fear… fear of how I would fare when my time comes to return to the Almighty. Fear of the inevitable yet time uncertain. FEAR.

Last night, The Vampire dropped another sad news. The promotion (and therefore a posting to the middle east) that he was hoping to get did not materialise. I cried (bagus punya bini… patut laki sedih kita hiburkan, ni kita pulak yang nangis!). But I cried not because he didn’t get the promotion. I cried because I felt sorry for him knowing how much he wanted it. Truth is, I had been feeling pretty stressed out myself the few days prior because Maryam had really been exhausting me with her tantrums and demands and I guess, the news was the last straw that opened the floodgate. Anyway, I assured him that things happened for a reason and that this was just one setback as oppose to all his other achievements. It’s not a loss. I told him that God probably fulfilled the doa of the person who needed the job most. A few more encouraging words later, he was back to his usual self. Senang ye jadi orang laki ni? No moping, no sulking… jeles!

Hmmm… what else?

Oh yes! My mom-in-law celebrated her birthday last week so we offsprings and partners flocked over to join the in the merriment. It was the usual light-the-candles-sing-happy-birthday affair only this time, I was asked to make a dedication. It wasn’t planned. Someone started making a dedication, then on to the other person and another and tau-tau I was expected to say something too. I had never, since I married The Vampire, verbally expressed my appreciation towards my mom-in-law. My appreciations had always been in the form of gifts. The closest would probably be some nice words I wrote in a birthday card once. Other times, I had always relied on gifts to do the “speaking” and hoped that my mom-in-law appreciated the thoughts behind the gifts. But there is always a first time for everything kan? So when my turn came, I thanked my mom-in-law for raising my husband to be the person he is and my expressed my appreciation for being accepted as a family member and treated like one of her own children. I swear my voice broke somewhere in that short speech cause sumpah mak rasa nak ngobak! But I hope to God nobody noticed! Hehehe…

I think I need a new laptop la. The spacebar has been giving me problems, soon it might give way andmytypingwillcomeoutlikethis…

They say change is constant and the only constant is change. Memang banyak changes yang kita perasan sejak kebelakangan ni.

Roti Gardenia is smaller. Noticed this masa kita nak buat sandwich. The breads don’t fit snugly in the sandwich maker like they used to. Because of that, the bread slices don’t fuse together at the edges resulting in the filling dripping out. Rasa kena tipu pulak because we always buy the jumbo size loaf, konon lebih economical but then I realise now that the jumbo size loaf is a former regular loaf in a narrower but longer baking pan.

Honey Stars, my favorite cereal don’t taste as good. It’s less sticky than before. Mungkin manufacturer dah tak pakai honey but use the name anyway. Dulu pun entah2 tak pakai honey but at least it was sweeter, stickier and tasted better. Price and quality seem to move in opposite directions. It’s no longer my favorite cereal.

Went to my favorite restaurant 2 weeks ago, Little Penang Cafe and ordered my usual mee hoon kari. No more vege in the dish except for taugeh. Dulu ada kacang panjang. Menu pun dah tak macam dulu. They don’t have my favorite rojak buah jalan gurney anymore.

Another disappointment last week when I went to TGIF. They have bangla waiters now… Our waiter spoke English, of course, but when I mentioned “smoothie” terus muka blur. Then he asked me to explain, siap tanya apa bahan2 dia… which I was so not in the mood to do at the time. He thought I meant lassi (minuman dia jugak la yg dia tau kan?). I found out later that smoothies have been discontinued. Patut la takde dalam menu… Frust! Tried to recall the last time I had my favorite Holiday Isle smoothie. Should’ve had it more often when they still had it on their menu…

I, too, am going through some changes. Tak pernah kaler rambut in my life but I colored my hair red last month. Actually, The Vampire had been requesting it for a few years but I never gave it a second thought. Until last month when I walked into that nyonya unisex salon (to get a haircut je cadangnya), saw a box of red hair dye, the last box, took it off the shelf and without a second thought… “…moi, kaler sekali aa…”. The nyonya gave be a baffled look lateron when she saw me put my tudung back on after all the hard work she had done on my crowning glory hahaha!

The Vampire was do deliriously happy with my new hair (made him craved for blood and more blood, you know what I mean?) that he insisted that I get contact lenses next… hence, another change in yours truly’s average life. After a few weeks of pujuk rayu, I finally relented and so he greedily picked 2 colors (gray and hazel). No, not that he expected me to wear sebelah gray, sebelah hazel… hehehe… he just wanted to give himself me the option to choose which to wear depending on his my mood, I guess. And like that’s not enough, he bought enough of them (disposable lenses) to last me a whole year. Really people, a whole year muaahahah!!

And then there was that karaoke session The Vampire insisted on. Hmm actually, at this point I wonder if it’s me or him yang tengah mid-life crisis. We had a blast singing our voices hoarse right from The Beatles, Bee Gees and ABBA all the way to KRU, Elite and Jaclyn Victor. Jangan maraa… nyanyi lagu JV tuu… nyeh heheheh! I was practically beaming red with happiness from the session until he announced later that we probably will have to sing at his company’s family day karaoke session this weekend. Ada udang di sebalik batu rupanya… ceh! Guess I have to come up with a bunch of excuses to not sing and lots of xanax, in case I still have to sing. If I do, it’ll be the first time I sing karaoke in front of non-family members. It’ll probably be a breakthrough, but one I’m more than willing to skip.

So yeah… change is constant. I’m slowly morphing as I speak… I can feel it… tee hee hee…

Tak tau lah apa semangat yang dah menyerap in my tubuh badan ni but of late, I have been feeling pretty good about myself. Maybe it’s due to all the friends and family I met during the open house season kut. It paints a tinge of self-worthiness in yours truly’s mind. I still think my neighbour dislikes me, but at least I know that there are more who don’t. I still can’t help feeling that people think I’m dumb, but now I don’t give a shit. Dumb pun dumb lahh… life goes on.

I don’t do things on impulse anymore like I used to before this ‘dark force’ came over me. But yesterday… yesterday I did.

See, a friend messaged me saying that another friend was in town and that there were planning to meet. In 2 hours time. 2 hours for me is considered ’short notice’. Heck, even 2 weeks is short notice! I always need time to consider, reconsider and once I decide on the affirmative, I need more time to get over the gubra/gelabah/kecut perut and maybe reconsider my decision.

But yesterday… was different. I just felt like I had to go and prove to myself that I can do this. So in whatever short time I had, I quickly prepared dinner for The Vampire. The simplest dinner I could think of… pasta. Unlike Kak Zendra kita, I used The Goo (as she calls it - thanks for the recipe link btw) as my pasta sauce beautified and camouflaged with capsicum and mushroom to make it look mouth-watering enough for consumption.

When The Vampire got home, I told him of my plan for the night. He said I could go but that he preferred that I take the kids and bibik along cause he had a telecon meeting later that night. Once that was agreed, off I went to get ready. And then it all began all over again, like it has many times before. Mula la rasa pening2 lalat… rasa nak muntah… and I began to question my decision to go yet again. The stress started to creep in… Tsk! Gone case aku ni.

But I guess my desire to prove something to myself was stronger. Masuk jugak kereta, braved the evening traffic, ignored all bodily discomforts that only someone with my condition knows, and voila…met my friends that I hadn’t met in 19 years, 2 of them my ex-roomates.

It wasn’t a totally fun night cause I had what I had and was pretty occupied with that. It was like having the word W-O-R-R-Y constantly hovering and drifting keliling my head. No fun, I tell ya. But at least, I did it… and that was enough to keep my confidence intact until the next round of ‘tests’. Good enough for me, considering…

Pagi ni dapat berita that an old schoolmate passed away at 2.30am last night. Memang dah tau he was in critical condition due to prostate cancer and that the hospital was going to disconnect the life support last night.

I never knew him personally back in school. Rasanya bercakap pun tak pernah but he had always been there. Mana-mana pergi pun selalu jugak lah ternampak dia so he had become a very familiar face. Until today, kalau sebut his name, my memory bank never fail to come up with this particular image of him masa kat sekolah dulu. A cheeky teenage boy…

I guess, 5 years in boarding school can make you become attached to someone (mentally) more than you know, even though you hardly spoke to that person. Just seeing that person every so often as you go about life for 5 years was enough to etch him permanently in your memory.

And that is probably why I found myself in tears as I recited the surah Yaasin for him last night. I thought of his wife and his 5 children. The eldest is 12 and youngest is just 10 months old.

I realised something else too…

That this could easily happen to me and my family…

Al-Fatihah to arwah Jeme (Azman Mohamad).

… I can afford this…

AF-S NIKKOR 24-70mm f/2.8G ED